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<body link="#7EF4FE" vlink="#02D7E8" alink="#3DDB0F" bgcolor="#000000" text="#FBD5CE"> <p align="center"> <img SRC="images/index_new.jpg" ALT="Magical, Congenial, Informative and Interactive Web Site" height="210" width="324" align="ABSBOTTOM"> </p> <p><strong><font face="Arial" size="4"><font color="#D1B807">Security Agency</font><font color="#FFFF80">______________________________________</font></font></strong></p> <blockquote> <blockquote> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="2"><a href="index.html">Home</a> ~ <a href="advice1.html">Tell Us Your Problem</a> ~ <a href="legal.html">Site Legal Notice</a> </font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="2"><a href="services.html">What Can We Do</a> ~ <a href="network_r.html">Net Work Security</a> ~ <a href="angelfire.html">Tools</a> ~ <a href="firewall.html">Understanding Firewalls</a></font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="2"><a href="index.htm">VIP Protection</a> ~ <a href="Kretz-TorSun.html">Case Files</a> ~ <a href="backgrnd.html">Background Checks</a> ~ <a href="helos.htm">Air Services</a></font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="2"><a href="helos_1.htm">Helo Types</a> ~ <a href="diy.html">Catching Cheaters</a> ~ <a href="pdo.html">Personality Disorders</a> ~ <a href="commentary.htm">Child Murderers</a></font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="2"><a href="index-2.htm">About: Investigators</a> ~ <a href="help.html">Email Help</a> ~ <a href="search.html">Site Search</a> ~ <a href="twr/twr.htm">Global Security</a></font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="2"><a href="twr/twr.htm">Publication</a> ~ <a href="home.html">Security Links</a> ~ <a href="links.html">More Links</a> ~ <a href="comments.html">Your Comments</a></font></p> </blockquote> </blockquote> <p align="left"><strong><font face="Arial" size="4"><font color="#D1B807">The Wednesday Report </font><font color="#FFFF80">_______________________________</font></font></strong></p> <blockquote> <blockquote> <p align="left"><font face="Arial,Helvetica" size="2"><a HREF="twr/twr.htm#1" target="_top">TWR History</a> ~ <a HREF="twr_main.html" target="_top">TWR</a> ~ <a HREF="writer.html" target="_top">The Editor</a> ~ <a HREF="twr_comment.html" target="_top">Commentary</a> ~ <a HREF="navy.html" target="_top">Canada's Navy</a> </font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial,Helvetica" size="2"><a HREF="twr/twr.htm" target="_top">Defence Policy</a> ~ <a HREF="soldier.html" target="_top"> Fallen Soldier</a> ~ <a HREF="images/arrow.jpg" target="_top">Avro Arrow Pic</a> ~ <a HREF="images/CH1134-1.jpg" target="_top">Sea King Pic 1</a></font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial,Helvetica" size="2"><a HREF="images/CH134-2.jpg" target="_top">Sea King Pic 2</a> ~ <a HREF="aircraft.html" target="_top">Aircraft Wallpaper</a> (fr</font><font face="Arial,Helvetica" size="1">ames page)</font></p> </blockquote> </blockquote> <p align="left"><strong><font face="Arial" size="4"><font color="#D1B807">Sample Issues</font><font color="#FFFF80">_______________________________________</font></font></strong></p> <blockquote> <blockquote> <p align="left"><font face="Arial,Helvetica" size="2"><a HREF="twr1v9.htm" target="_top">TWR1V9</a> ~ <a HREF="twr9v9.htm" target="_top" target="_top">TWR9V9</a> ~ <a HREF="twr48v7.htm" target="_top">TWR48V7</a> ~ <a HREF="twr43v4.htm" target="_top">TWR43V4</a> ~ <a HREF="twr15v4.htm" target="_top">TWR15V4</a></font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial,Helvetica" size="2"><a HREF="twr16v4.htm" target="_top">TWR16V4</a> ~ <a HREF="twr48v3.html" target="_top">TWR48V3</a> ~ <a HREF="twr_comment.html" target="_top">Comment</a> ~ <a HREF="twr_comment2.html" target="_top">Comment 2</a></font></p> </blockquote> </blockquote> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="4"><font color="#D1B807"><strong>Classy, Sexy, Artistic Wallpaper</strong></font><font color="#FFFF80">________________________</font></font></p> <blockquote> <blockquote> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="2"><a HREF="aircraft_r.html" target="_top">Aircraft</a> ~ <a HREF="images/melanie.jpg" target="_top">Melanie</a> ~ <a HREF="images/sandrabullock18.jpg" target="_top">Sandra's Bed</a> ~ <a HREF="wall5m.html" target="_top">Wall</a></font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="2"><a HREF="wall5l.html" target="_top">1- Wall</a> ~ <a HREF="wall2.html" target="_top">2 - Wall</a> ~ <a HREF="wall3.html" target="_top">3 - Wall</a> ~ <a HREF="wall4m.html" target="_top">4a - S. 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We suggest Microsoft Explorer 5.1 as of February 08, 2002, but the choice is yours; or help yourself to both.</b></font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="2"><a HREF="FunPage.html" target="_top"><b>Fun Pages Index</b></a> Fun Pages Index. Here there is something for everyone.<br> <b><a HREF="witch.html" target="_top">Women Want?</a></b> What do women really want? For men and women, at no ones expense.<br> <b><a HREF="Fun1.html" target="_top">Screen Camera</a></b> Uses the monitor to take your picture. Cool.<br> <b><a HREF="humour.htm" target="_top">Humour pages</a></b> Humour pages, from a frames page index. </font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="2"><b><a HREF="spooky.htm" target="_top">Spooky</a> </b>PI's "Image?" Don't we think of them as being womanizing hell raisers? <br> <b><a HREF="caring.html" target="_top">Philosophy</a></b> Caring and Sharing. Thought provoking articles. 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You will howl.<br> <b><a HREF="humour6.html" target="_top">What was it?</a></b> Y2K Worries Smoke from the CPU; a shower of sparks from the monitor...<br> <b><a HREF="humour4.html" target="_top">Laugh at our kids </a></b>Just ask a kid ... tips on love!<br> <b><a HREF="humour.htm" target="_top">Collected funnies </a></b>Jokes ... nice collection<br> <b><a HREF="humour1.html" target="_top">More funnies </a></b>More Jokes <br> <b><a HREF="humour2.html" target="_top">Hilarious </a></b>And More Jokes <br> <b><a HREF="why.html" target="_top">a.k.a.</a></b> The PI's Nickname. You don't have to take this seriously. </font></p> </blockquote> </blockquote> <p align="left"><font face="Arial" size="4" color="#D1B807"><strong>Secure Network and Web Site Services</strong></font><font face="Arial" size="4" color="#FFFF80">______________________</font></p> <blockquote> <blockquote> <p align="left"><a href="submit.shtml"><strong><font face="Verdana" size="2">Add site to 150+ major search engines</font></strong></a><strong><font face="Verdana" size="2"> | </font></strong><a href="add_site.html"><strong><font face="Verdana" size="2">Add your site URL to our search index</font></strong></a></p> <p align="left"><a href="web_search.html"><strong><font face="Verdana" size="2">Search our site</font></strong></a><strong><font face="Verdana" size="2"> | </font></strong><font face="Arial" size="2"><b><a href="add_our_banner.shtml">Please add our banner to your site. click here and get the code </a></b> </font></p> <p align="left"><a href="/cgi-bin/nslookup.cgi"><strong><font face="Verdana" size="2">Do a domain name look-up from here</font></strong></a><strong><font face="Verdana" size="2"> | </font></strong><a href="whois.html"><strong><font face="Verdana" size="2">Check availability of domain names</font></strong></a></p> <p align="left"><a href="windows_nt_wardoc.htm"><strong><font face="Verdana" size="2">Study remote WinNT penetration</font></strong></a><strong><font face="Verdana" size="2"> | </font></strong><a href="engines.html"><font face="Verdana" size="2"><strong>Search engines of the world</strong></font></a></p> <p align="left"> </p> </blockquote> </blockquote> <p align="center"><font face="Arial" size="2" color="#DCB83D">You should update your browser to obtain the full visual and multimedia benefits of this site.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Arial" size="3"><a href="http://www.microsoft.com/windows/ie/default.htm" target="_blank">Free from Microsoft:</a></font><font face="Arial" size="3" color="#D1B807"> <a href="http://www.microsoft.com/windows/ie/default.htm"><img SRC="images/ie.gif" width="73" height="68" align="absmiddle"></a> </font><font face="Arial" size="3"><a href="http://home.netscape.com/download/index.html" target="_blank">Free from Netscape</a></font><font face="Arial" size="3" color="#D1B807">: <a href="http://home.netscape.com/download/index.html" </A><img SRC="images/netscape.gif" ALT="Download Mikey's Favourite Browser, Netscape, For FREE" NOSAVE BORDER="0" align="middle" width="90" height="30"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Arial" size="3" color="#D1B807"><a href="wall3.html"><img SRC="images/mprm_adbanner4.gif" height="60" width="468"></a></font></p> <p><font face="Arial" size="2">This is an alternatives page</font></p> <table summary="Private Investigators" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" cols="1"> <tr> <td> <p class="c3 c2" align="center"><img src="images/leaf2.gif" alt="Canadian Maple Leaf - Canadian Private Investigators" border="0" width="90" height="62" /><br /> <font face="Arial"><i>UNLIMITED INVESTIGATIONS </i></font> <i><span class="c2 c1"><br /> Since 1991</span></i></p> <table summary="Private Investigators" border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td><img src="images/badge.gif" lowsrc="images/alt3.jpg" alt="International Private Detectives - Canadian Private Investigators" border="0" width="190" height="238" /></td> <td> <p class="c4">Civil and criminal investigations:</p> <ol> <li> <p class="c4">Criminal Defence</p> </li> <li> <p class="c4">Domestic Matters</p> </li> <li> <p class="c4">Commercial and Industrial Business Cases</p> </li> <li> <p class="c4">High-Tech Imaging & Audio Evidence Gathering</p> </li> <li> <p class="c4">Network and Cyberspace Investigation</p> </li> <li> <p class="c4">Internet Crime Investigation and Prevention</p> </li> </ol> </td> </tr> </table> <p class="c7 c2"><span class="c5">Security:</span> <span class="c3">Advance knowledge is a precursor to a safe and secure environment.</span> <span class="c6">Threat Assessment - Detection: Surveillance, Criminal Proceedings Preparation, Closed Circuit TV Surveillance, Infrared Monitoring - Intelligence Gathering for Anti-Terrorism - Counter-Attack - Perimeter Security - ECM - Secure Communications- Disaster Recovery</span></p> </td> </tr> </table> <p class="c2"> </p> <div class="c11"><b class="c4">Can't afford to hire a PI?</b><br /> <b><span class="c7"><span class="c5">D</span><span class="c6">O</span> <span class="c5">I</span><span class="c6">T</span> <span class="c5">Y</span><span class="c6">OURSELF</span></span> <span class="c8"><br /> </span><span class="c9">Self Help</span></b> <h3 class="c10">The complete interactive guide to performing your own investigation and saving your marriage.</h3> </div> <p class="c12">Save your Marriage? Here's some real help. <a href="diy1.shtml">Try this.</a></p> <p class="c2"><span class="c13"><b><a href="diy1.shtml">Dealing with infidelity. Save your marriage. </a></b></span><br /> </p> <div class="c14">Is Your Partner Cheating?</div> <blockquote> <blockquote> <ul> <li> <p class="c15">How to find out the secrets you are not supposed to know.</p> </li> <li> <p class="c18"><span class="c16">If you already caught the cheater, you are in the wrong place.</span> <a href="diy1.shtml" class="c17">Go here. </a></p> </li> </ul> </blockquote> </blockquote> <div class="c11"><a href="advice.htm"><b class="c19">Click Here For Online Help</b></a></div> <p> </p> <blockquote><span class="c13"><b>Your partner entered a verbal or documented contract that ensures fidelity. If the contract is being breached, your physical health, emotional well-being and your future are at risk. Don't play Russian Roulette with AIDS and other STD's. If you suspect your partner is cheating on you, ACT NOW.</b></span> <p class="c20">This self-help guide written by an experienced Private Investigator after hundreds of solved matrimonial cases, is available now. This publication will assist you in doing your own detective work and help you learn what you need to know.</p> </blockquote> <p> </p> <table border="1" width="80%" bordercolor="#FFFFFF"> <tr> <td width="100%"> <p class="c22"><span class="c21">So. Your husband is cheating on you.</span> <span class="c13">*</span></p> <p class="c23">*Derived from hundreds of real life cases.</p> <p class="c24">You must be feeling very awful and probably are swimming in a pool of helplessness feelings. I really feel for you. <br /> Look at what you have learned. You are here so you must have proven already within the realm of "balance of probability" that your husband is having an extramarital affair in its incipient stage. (It really sounds quite immature.) In Civil / Family law, you do not have to prove this "beyond a doubt". That you are unhappy with the facts of his behaviour is sufficient for you to take remedial action.</p> <p><span class="c13">If you have decided that is the case for certain,</span> <span class="c13">I want to get you focused on some next best steps considering you already know plenty and don't need to learn much more about your spouse's frivolity. And that's what it is: frivolous. And of course, a significant betrayal. And that hurts.<br /> <br /> Don't despair. You can take charge of your situation; bring some personal control to the matter; and arrive at a satisfactory repair of your marriage. You know what the alternatives are so I will focus on helping you construct a plan to bring wellness back into your marriage. i.e..: fix your problem and prevent its recurrence. This is personal advice only. For legal advice, see your lawyer. Read on. </span></p> <p class="c24"><br /> Before getting into the plan, I am concerned about one aspect of self-help sleuthing. <br /> In most states and provinces watching and besetting another person is a criminal offence in the misdemeanor/summary offence category. It has good reason; avoiding a breach of the peace -- avoiding family violence in other words. The law tends to frown on people doing their own matrimonial sleuthing inasmuch as it would include surveillance. The reason for this is that motivation is already present and if a confrontation erupts (which in family matters is statistically inevitable) there is the makings of a premeditated violent crime. The law seeks to prevent its occurrence and deals with incipiency very harshly. Solution: Do all the digging and legwork you want but get a professional person in your local area to do your actual tailing and surveillance if needed. <br /> So now that we are past that word of caution, I would say "yes", you have a problem; and "yes" you can improve or fix it. <br /> <br /> It is so often stated this way. The straying spouse claims to want to stay in the marriage and had no intention of leaving it but got "tangled up" somehow. If you believe your spouse loves you and has some commitment to staying within the bounds of marriage and further, seems to know the rules and has told you he has made a conscious decision to "not go outside the marriage", then look at the positive. Too often the problem is some life-passage-related quirks for which a vent has been found. </p> <p class="c24">Think of this. Dieing really sucks. Facing that reality while still very much alive can cause some fairly extreme behaviour. Seemingly without reason. The victim hasn't a clue why he/she behaves that way. (Seems that men get it BAD.) The fleeting glimpse of the obvious one comes face to face with at some point in mid-life, the facing of immortality causes some people's ID and Ego to go berserk in search for youthfulness. There is a grave risk that the aftermath of a mid-life crisis sees one with nothing of the true assets built up in the first half of life. It can otherwise be a good thing. Certainly, above all, a person suffering a mid-life crisis can be extremely vulnerable. </p> <p class="c24">All humans are weak and those weaknesses have focus points that some persons have an uncanny knack for detecting and focusing on, when in conquest, say for example, when a woman has decided to target a male who is married. There are lots of social anthropological studies (results filed at many universities web sites) done in this area. Search if you would like to understand this better thru google, Lycos or whatever. </p> <p class="c24">Looking at your spouse and correspondent, you are dealing with two people who are now stepping outside the bounds of 'niceness'; past playing by the rules. Your spouse is being very foolish and irresponsible etc. </p> <p><span class="c13">If you have decided you want to bring your spouse back into a properly constituted matrimonial framework, then you must have no concern about his correspondent. None whatsoever. Forget her. As he must, you must as well. He must break his connections with this person. (A family counselor can explain how this is done under your circumstances. The counselor would need to mediate a resolution.)<br /> <br /> </span><b class="c25">Believe What You Know</b></p> <p class="c24">When a spouse has a secret affair, they develop deviant, dishonest, sneaky skills. You would hardly believe you knew this person if you knew it all: the games that are played to avoid detection.</p> <p class="c24"><b>Don't argue the affair with your spouse.</b> Your spouse has been deceiving you and is lying to you about the matter and you can't know what is and what isn't truthful among the things he tells you. There is very little point in you discussing anything of this matter with him. Why would you continue to negotiate or arbitrate on your own with a person who has already established a set of ground rules that has untruthfulness as a basis? Your mode is now action oriented and you need some outside assistance. </p> <p class="c24"><br /> <b>Don't accept "We are just friends.</b>" That you are unhappy with the facts of his behaviour is sufficient for you to take remedial action. The alleged platonic relationship is apparently not platonic. Trust your senses. It has become immaturely intimate. </p> <p class="c24"><br /> <b>You are not completely powerless.</b> Your spouse, insofar as civil law is concerned, is liable to your action under the various matrimonial statutes where adultery is an issue of law.</p> <p class="c24"><br /> <b>Betrayal is the most important issue. </b><br /> You need to ask yourself what you want to do about the fact that your spouse is carrying on outside the marriage. Ask yourself, on the evidence, is this just a fairly frivolous affair and not a deep emotional thing? Are you prepared to vacate the marriage? I would guess that you don't know what you want to do. Further, marriages usually survive affairs if there is no significant emotional betrayal. Otherwise they don't, quite honestly. I am sure you are not quite ready to accept that statement right now, because surely you are very angry. But make these thoughts the underlying root for hope and some positive solution-oriented action. <br /> If you are concluding the above as I am then you need to find solutions that will return happiness and wellness to the matrimonial relationship; 'rehabilitate', your spouse who seems to be living in a false paradigm; and give him a new set of rules and understandings as well as proactive ingredients for making a marriage and a family work properly. </p> <p class="c24"><b><br /> Action Oriented Solutions In Four Key Steps</b><br /> </p> <ol> <li>It's time to build a help group or SUPPORT TEAM FOR YOU. Consult with your lawyer and your family doctor as well as family members and so on. Build a support team. Be truthful; take the high road; do not lie or exaggerate to any persons who are members of your support team. Remember: DON'T BRING THE FIGHT TO THESE PEOPLE, BRING YOUR QUEST FOR ADVICE AND SOLUTIONS. Illicit their support. Try not to be acrimonious in the face of other people. If you need to "dump" some emotions, see a councilor for yourself, on your own. That's where you can best take your hard feelings and lay them out and deal with them. And of course, a close family member, Aunt, Mom whoever; anyone you may find to be helpful and supportive.<br /> </li> <li>Locate on your own what you think would be an acceptable source for family/marriage counseling. Check it out, meet the councilor alone and generally make sure you find what YOU want and a rapport that suits your self. <br /> </li> <li>Having located a good marriage councilor that you like, make arrangements to see this person together with your spouse on short notice. <br /> </li> <li><span class="c13">Confront your spouse. Inform him what you know as in the aforementioned four points on credibility and as follows: </span> <blockquote> <p class="c24">a) You know he is lying to you about the matter and you don't know what is and what isn't truthful among the things he tells you so you refuse to accept any further explanations or excuses.<br /> <br /> b) The alleged platonic relationship is not platonic; it has become intimate. <br /> <br /> c) Your husband, insofar as civil law is concerned, is liable to your action under the various matrimonial statutes where adultery is an issue of law. <br /> <br /> d) His betrayal of you is the most important issue. And...<br /> <br /> e) You insist on immediate cessation of the illicit relationship [no further contact] and immediate attendance before a marriage councilor with a view to creating an extensive remedial plan, long term, for his rehabilitation and the re-constitution of the marriage. </p> </blockquote> </li> <li><br /> Avoid argument over any of the issues with your spouse. You know what you know so why bother. The perpetrator will lie to you and talk you round in circles -- feed you lines that have been planted in his head with his own forethought and from his correspondent. You set out what you want, remain steadfast, and focus on your goal which is to fix your problem. If he refuses - go to your lawyer. Your lawyer can perhaps frame a letter as a notice that you intend to seek family-law remedies (separation, divorce and even punitive civil litigation) if he chooses not comply with your request. That is not an improper threat but the correct establishment of your position in the matter. </li> <li><span class="c13">Stay in touch with your support grou</span>p.<span class="c13"><br /> </span></li> </ol> <p class="c26"> Micheal J. O'Brien</p> <p class="c28"><br /> <span class="c27"><b>Good Luck!</b></span></p> <p class="c29">Our Services</p> </td> </tr> </table> <table border="1" cols="3" width="100%"> <tr valign="top"> <td valign="top"> <ul> <li>Abduction Investigation</li> <li>Adultery Investigation</li> <li>Adoption search</li> <li>Asset searches</li> <li>Audio/Video Forensic Work</li> <li>Aviation Incident/Accidents</li> <li>Bodyguard executive protection and security</li> <li>Children's Rights</li> <li>Child Abuse Investigation</li> <li>Counterfeit & Trademark Investigation</li> <li>Computer Crime Investigation</li> <li>Computer network crime</li> <li>Computer sabotage</li> <li>Computer security</li> <li>Computer theft</li> <li>Computer privacy</li> <li>Computer piracy</li> <li>Computer abuse</li> <li>Computer infiltration</li> <li>Computer pornography</li> <li>Criminal Defence</li> <li>Crimes/Fraud Investigation</li> <li>Crimes Against The Person</li> <li>Crimes Against Property</li> <li>Corporate</li> <li>Cult intervention/extraction</li> <li>Child Custody</li> <li>Electronic Countermeasures</li> <li>Electronic Surveillance</li> <li>Email sabotage</li> <li>Email abuse</li> <li>Email piracy</li> <li>Email theft</li> <li>Firewall Breach</li> <li>Firewall Breach Testing</li> <li>Firewall Penetration Testing</li> <li>Firewall Construction</li> <li>Handwriting and Document Analysis</li> </ul> </td> <td valign="top"> <ul> <li>Domestic/Family Problems</li> <li>Due Diligence</li> <li>Electronic Counter surveillance</li> <li>Employee Crime Investigation</li> <li>Explosives/Firearms investigation Investigation</li> <li>Fire Cause & Origin</li> <li>Financial Fraud</li> <li>General Investigations</li> <li>Genealogy</li> <li>Infidelity</li> <li>Immigration</li> <li>Insurance Fraud</li> <li>Internet crimes against the child</li> <li>Internet pornography</li> <li>Internet Crime</li> <li>Internet Abuse</li> <li>Internet Fraud</li> <li>Internet credit card theft</li> <li>Internet privacy</li> <li>Internet Libel</li> <li>Internet Conspiracies</li> <li>Internet site security</li> <li>Information Researcher</li> <li>Insurance Defense</li> <li>International cases</li> <li>Laboratory</li> <li>Labour/Management Disputes</li> <li>Life and Disability claims</li> <li>Malpractice</li> <li>Maritime & Cargo</li> <li>Network Infiltration</li> <li>Network Theft</li> <li>Network Sabotage</li> <li>Network Security</li> <li>Oil field Accidents</li> <li>Paralegal</li> <li>Personal Injury,</li> <li>Plaintiff Polygraph</li> <li>Probate/Heirs</li> </ul> </td> <td valign="top"> <ul> <li>Pre employment</li> <li>Pre insurance investigations</li> <li>Process Service</li> <li>Proxy Sabotage</li> <li>Proxy Infiltration</li> <li>Public Service</li> <li>Missing Persons</li> <li>Missing Children</li> <li>Misconduct</li> <li>Parental Suitability</li> <li>Pre-Matrimonial Investigation</li> <li>Repossession</li> <li>Records Search</li> <li>Retrieval</li> <li>Security</li> <li>Sexual Assault</li> <li>Sex Crimes</li> <li>Sexual Exploitation</li> <li>Shopping Services</li> <li>Skip tracing</li> <li>Surveillance</li> <li>Software theft</li> <li>Software abuse</li> <li>Software crime</li> <li>Terrorists</li> <li>Teen Problems</li> <li>Toxic/Hazardous Waste</li> <li>Trial Preparation</li> <li>Underwriting Inspection</li> <li>Undercover Operations</li> <li>Website abuse</li> <li>Website sabatoge</li> <li>Website security breach</li> <li>White Collar Crime Investigation</li> <li>Wrongful Termination</li> <li>Young Offenders</li> </ul> </td> </tr> </table> <p class="c2"><span class="c30">Investigation Tool: Knowledge</span><br /> <b><u class="c31">Personality Disorders</u></b></p> <p class="c28"><em class="c32"><strong>The following</strong> sets out typical traits of a personality disordered person. This is the type of suspect individual that law-enforcement professionals come into contact with most often while investigating criminal cases<b>.</b> That is not to say that all offenderrs have personality disorders, but it is certainly true that the behaviour of personality disordered persons is often anti-social and either borderline or fully criminal in nature and effect. Investigating such individuals can bring about the absolute height in frustration and consternation.</em></p> <p class="c2"><em class="c32">_____________________________________</em></p> <p class="c33"><b><u>General</u> personality disorder characteristics</b> <b>seen in clinical settings:</b></p> <p class="c34"><b class="c19">1) An inclination to be demanding and non-compliant (actively or passively). For some of the personality disorders, this is apparent early in treatment; for others the non-compliance is evident only after early success in the therapeutic process (e.g.</b> <span class="c13"><b>an individual with a dependent personality disorder, for whom continuing positive change would result in termination from therapy, who is unable to initiate or sustain self-responsible behavior). </b></span></p> <p class="c35">2) A tendency to engage in over or under valuation of self as well as over or under of others. Individuals with personality disorders often alternate between extremes (e.g. idealizing and then villainizing a spouse or therapist, or feeling superior to and then inferior to or unworthy of others). </p> <p class="c35">3) A propensity toward manipulativeness with significant corresponding interpersonal dishonesty (e.g. suicidality in the service of binding a caretaker and preventing abandonment). </p> <p class="c35">4) Difficulties in developing non-pathological attachments (e.g. seeking in a significant-other the "good parent," a shield against a hostile world, a caretaker who will make functioning as an adult unnecessary, a "you and me against the world" alliance). </p> <p class="c34"><b class="c19">5) A failure to accept and/or process corrective environmental feedback with an inclination to frame reality around self and self-needs without considering the reality</b> <span class="c13"><b>of others. This behavior can leave others both bewildered and enraged as the personality disordered individual fails to receive, understand, or respond appropriately to feedback. </b></span></p> <p class="c35">6) A lack of awareness of impact on others with a corresponding failure to assume responsibility for self. When confronted, personality disordered individuals will deny, minimize, distort, or counterattack in the face of criticism or demands for appropriate behavior. </p> <p class="c35">7) Affective dysregulation, e.g., irritability, instability, or constriction.</p> <p> </p> <p class="c36"><strong>Essential Feature</strong></p> <p>The essential feature of the dependent personality disorder is a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that results in submissive and clinging behavior. Individuals with DPD fear separation; they engage in dependent behavior to elicit caregiving (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 665).</p> <p>The ICD-10 also has a dependent personality disorder which is characterized by a pervasive reliance on other people to make life decisions, a fear of abandonment, feelings of helplessness and incompetence, passive compliance with others, and a weak response to daily life. They are inclined to transfer responsibility to others (ICD-10, 1994, p. 233).</p> <p>Individuals with DPD are often pessimistic and characterized by self-doubt; they tend to belittle their abilities and assets. They respond to the criticism and disapproval of others as proof of their worthlessness. They seek others to dominate and protect them. Occupational functioning may be impaired if independent initiative is required; they will avoid positions of responsibility (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 666).</p> <p>Individuals with DPD are described as inchoate -- meaning imperfectly formed. The implication is that they are partly but not fully in existence. This personality is potential; there is a deficit in regulatory controls because of a marked tendency to expect others to take responsibility for fulfilling their needs and managing their responsibilities. This results in an undeveloped capacity to adapt adequately and difficulty in functioning independently (Dorr, Retzlaff, ed., 1995, p. 197).</p> <p>Passive-dependent individuals are characterized by:</p> <ul> <li>excessive needs and wants;</li> <li>overt dependency;</li> <li>transparent, intense, unremitting need to be loved in stable long-term relationships that go through minimal change;</li> <li>little need to control or compete with others;</li> <li>anxiety and fear when deprived of significant relationships;</li> <li>even when content, fearing the loss of the relationships they have; and,</li> <li>dependence on a number of people, any one of whom can substitute for the other (Kantor, 1992, pp. 166-167).</li> </ul> <p>Individuals with DPD subjugate their personal needs to those of others, tolerate mistreatment, and fail to be appropriately self-assertive. They often live with someone who is controlling, domineering, overprotective and infantilizing (Frances, et.al, 1995, p. 377). In females, DPD is likely to consist of a pattern of submissiveness. In males, DPD may involve a pattern of autocratic behavior (Sperry & Carlson, 1993, p. 305).</p> <p>The baseline DPD position of marked submissiveness to a dominant person is supposed to ensure unending nurturance. The connection is maintained even if the relationship is abusive because individuals with DPD believe that they cannot survive without the dominance and guidance (Benjamin, 1993, pp. 228-229). They live their lives in a manner calculated to avoid disturbing or offending others. They yield their individuality and autonomy; they are placating, self-deprecating, undemanding, and apologetic (Oldham, 1990, p. 123).</p> <p>Stone (1993, pp. 340-341) believes that three of the diagnostic items for DPD may be viewed as tactics to maintain a hold on important others:</p> <p> </p> <ul> <li>pressuring for reassurance;</li> <li>mindlessly agreeing with others in case disagreement could result in rejection;</li> <li>doing favors for the purpose of being ingratiating.</li> </ul> <p>Other criteria can be seen as characterological symptoms of the failure of the first three defensive maneuvers:</p> <p> </p> <ul> <li>being inordinately hurt by criticism or mild disapproval;</li> <li>submissiveness;</li> <li>clingingness.</li> </ul> <p>Both normal and personality-disordered individuals can exhibit strong dependency-related needs; it is the way these needs are expressed that differentiates the two. Personality-disordered individuals tend to express dependency needs in a more uncontrolled, unmodulated, and maladaptive manner. The pathological manifestations of dependency needs include intense fears of abandonment, passive, helpless behaviors in intimate relationships, and phobic symptoms aimed at minimizing separation (Bornstein, Costello, ed., 1996, pp. 123-132).</p> <p>Bornstein (Costello, ed., 1996, pp. 124-125) suggests that genetic factors account for a relatively small portion of the variability in dependency levels. The parent/child relationship appears to be the major causal factor in the development of dependent personality traits. He believes that two parenting styles lead to high levels of dependency: authoritarian parenting and overprotective parenting. The consequences of these two types of parenting are the development of beliefs that dependent individuals cannot function without the guidance and protection of others, and that the way to maintain relationships is to acquiesce to requests, expectations, and demands.</p> <p>DPD is often co-morbid with BPD, AvPD, and HPD. A common factor for both DPD and BPD is the fear of abandonment. Individuals with BPD will respond to abandonment with feelings of emotional emptiness and rage. They will increase their demands on significant others. Individuals with DPD will react with increasing appeasement and submissiveness. People with DPD are self-effacing and docile compared to the gregarious flamboyance and active demands of those with HPD. Individuals with DPD and AvPD both feel inadequate and are hypersensitive to criticism. However, those with DPD will seek and maintain relationships while individuals with AvPD will withdraw (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 667).</p> <p>On Axis I, individuals with DPD are vulnerable to anxiety disorders, phobic disorders, somatoform syndromes, and dissociative disorders (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 340-341). DPD is among the most frequently reported personality disorders in mental health clinics. Studies using structured assessments report similar prevalence rates for men and women (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 667).</p> <p><strong>Self-Image</strong> Individuals with DPD see themselves as inadequate and helpless; they believe they are in a cold and dangerous world and are unable to cope on their own. They define themselves as inept and abdicate self-responsibility; they turn their fate over to others . These individuals will decline to be ambitious and believe that they lack abilities, virtues and attractiveness (Beck & Freeman, 1990, p. 290) (Millon, 1981, pp. 113- 114).</p> <p>The solution to being helpless in a frightening world is to find capable people who will be nurturing and supportive toward those with DPD. Within protective relationships, individuals with DPD will be self-effacing, obsequious, agreeable, docile, and ingratiating. They will deny their individuality and subordinate their desires to significant others. They internalize the beliefs and values of significant others. They imagine themselves to be one with or a part of more powerful and supporting others. By seeing themselves as protected by the power of others, they do not have to feel the anxiety attached to their own helplessness and impotence (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 325-334).</p> <p>However, to be comfortable with themselves and their inordinate helplessness, individuals with DPD must deny the feelings they experience and the deceptive strategies they employ. They limit their awareness of both themselves and others. Their limited perceptiveness allows them to be naive and uncritical (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 333-334). Their limited tolerance for negative feelings, perceptions, or interaction results in the interpersonal and logistical ineptness that they already believe to be true about themselves. Their defensive structure reinforces and actually results in verification of the self-image they already hold.</p> <p><strong>View of Others</strong></p> <p>Individuals with DPD see other people as much more capable to shoulder life's responsibilities, to navigate a complex world, and to deal with the competitions of life (Millon, 1981, p. 114). Other people are powerful, competent, and capable of providing a sense of security and support to individuals with DPD. Dependent individuals avoid situations that require them to accept responsibility for themselves; they look to others to take the lead and provide continuous support (Richards, 1993, p. 243).</p> <p>DPD judgement of others is distorted by their inclination to see others as they wish they were rather than as they are (Kantor, 1992, p. 172). These individuals are fixated in the past. They maintain youthful impressions; they retain unsophisticated ideas and childlike views of the people toward whom they remain totally submissive (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 333). Individuals with DPD view strong caretakers, in particular, in an idealized manner; they believe they will be all right as long as the strong figure upon whom they depend is accessible (Beck & Freeman, 1990, p. 44).</p> <p><strong>Relationships</strong></p> <p>Individuals with DPD see relationships with significant others as necessary for survival. They do not define themselves as able to function independently; they have to be in supportive relationships to be able to manage their lives. In order to establish and maintain these life-sustaining relationships, people with DPD will avoid even covert expressions of anger. They will be more than meek and docile; they will be admiring, loving, and willing to give their all. They will be loyal, unquestioning, and affectionate. They will be tender and considerate toward those upon whom they depend (Millon, 1981, p. 114).</p> <p>Dependent individuals play the inferior role to the superior other very well; they communicate to the dominant people in their lives that they are useful, sympathetic, strong, and competent (Millon, 1981, p. 114). With these methods, individuals with DPD are often able to get along with unpredictable, isolated, or unpleasant people (Kantor, 1992, p. 170). To further make this possible, individuals with DPD will approach both their own and others' failures and shortcomings with a saccharine attitude and indulgent tolerance (Millon, 1981, p. 113). They will engage in a mawkish minimization, denial, or distortion of both their own and others' negative, self-defeating, or destructive behaviors to sustain an idealized, and sometimes fictional, story of the relationships upon which they depend. They will deny their individuality, their differences, and ask for little other than acceptance and support (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 332).</p> <p>Not only will individuals with DPD subordinate their needs to those of others, they will meet unreasonable demands and submit to abuse and intimidation to avoid isolation and abandonment (Millon, 1981, pp.107-108). Dependent individuals so fear being unable to function alone that they will agree with things they believe are wrong rather than risk losing the help of people upon whom they depend (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 665). They will volunteer for unpleasant tasks if that will bring them the care and support they need. They will make extraordinary self-sacrifices to maintain important bonds (DSM-IV, 1994, pp. 665-666).</p> <p>It is important to note that individuals with DPD, in spite of the intensity of their need for others, do not necessarily attach strongly to specific individuals, i.e., they will become quickly and indiscriminately attached to others when they have lost a significant relationship (DSM-IV, 1990, p. 666). It is the strength of the dependency needs that is being addressed; attachment figures are basically interchangeable. Attachment to others is a self-referenced and, at times, haphazard process of securing the protection of the most readily available powerful other willing to provide nurturance and care.</p> <p>Both DPD and HPD are distinguished from other personality disorders by their need for social approval and affection and by their willingness to live in accord with the desires of others. They both feel paralyzed when they are alone and need constant assurance that they will not be abandoned. Individuals with DPD are passive individuals who lean on others to guide their lives. People with HPD are active individuals who take the initiative to arrange and modify the circumstances of their lives. They have the will and ability to take charge of their lives and to make active demands on others (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 325).</p> <p><strong>Issues With Authority</strong></p> <p>Individuals with DPD will not engage in provocative or rebellious behavior toward authority figures. They are likely to elicit protective behavior from uniformed authority because of their conciliatory, anxious eagerness to please. Because of their need for support and care, they are disinclined to question authority or dispute orders from others. If they do get into trouble with law enforcement personnel, it will likely be in the company of others who are taking the lead in illegal behavior.</p> <p>Individuals with DPD can function well in families or workplaces where rewards are based on compliance with expectations and acceptance by authority figures. They will do best where interpersonal (and supportive) contact is available (Richards, 1993, p. 243).</p> <p><strong>DPD Behavior</strong></p> <p>The lack of self-confidence in individuals with DPD is apparent in their posture, voice, and mannerisms. They are cooperative, passive, and yielding. They may be viewed by others as generous and thoughtful, apologetic and obsequious. They appear humble, cordial, gracious, and gentle (Millon, 1981, p. 112). These individuals entrust themselves to others. They are overly cooperative and acquiescent. They prefer to yield and placate rather than to be assertive. They lack both initiative and competence (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 331).</p> <p>Individuals with DPD are inclined to avoid or deny harsh realities. They rely on feelings and empathic attunement with others rather than on thinking and problem-solving. DPDs are adept at sensing what others will reject and in identifying any threat to their support system (Richards, 1993, p. 243). These individuals show remarkable patience and persistence in maintaining what they have. They will use cajolery, bribery, moral censure, promises to change (rarely kept) and even threats to keep relationships upon which they depend. They rarely strive for anything more than the preservation of what they have; their efforts are put into avoiding failure (Kantor, 1992, p.169).</p> <p>These individuals are marked by their need for approval and their willingness to live in accord with the desires of others. They adapt their behavior to please others; they deny thoughts and feelings that may elicit displeasure from significant others. They are so sensitive to disapproval that they can experience criticism as devastating (Millon, 1981, p.107).</p> <p>Individuals with DPD minimize difficulties, are readily persuadable, uncritical, and unperceptive (Sperry, 1995, p. 78). Like individuals with the other personality disorders, dependent people have a tendency to live in fantasy with insufficient input from current reality. This produces a characteristic infantilism with mild memory disturbances due to the diminished ability to pay attention (Kantor, 1992, pp. 36-41).</p> <p>Individuals with DPD have difficulty making everyday decisions without advice and reassurance. They present themselves as inept and needing constant assistance. They are likely to be able to function adequately only if they believe someone else is supervising and approving. They allow others to assume responsibility for major areas of their lives, e.g. they depend on significant others to decide where they should live, what job they should have, what they should wear, what they should do with their leisure time, etc. These individuals may rely on others so much that they fail to learn the basic skills of independent living (DSM-IV, 1994, pp. 665-666).</p> <p><strong>Affective Issues</strong></p> <p>According to Beck & Freeman (1990, p. 45) the main affect experienced by individuals with DPD is anxiety. They are insecure; they fear abandonment and the disapproval of others; and, they experience considerable discomfort when alone (Sperry, 1995, p. 78).</p> <p>However, most of DPD literature refers to the vulnerability these individuals have to depression. Because of their susceptibility to separation, people with DPD are likely to experience affective disorders. The underlying characterological pessimism of DPD lends itself to a chronic, mild depression or dysthymia. When faced with abandonment, rejection, or loss they may experience a major depression (Millon, 1996, p. 181).</p> <p>Critical to the tendency toward depression in individuals with DPD is their belief that they are ineffective, inferior, and unworthy of regard. Dependent individuals depend on others for safety, help, and gratification. They are characterized by passive receiving. They require stability, predictability and reassurance in relationships. Rejection is considered worse than aloneness so no risks are taken that might lead to alienation of others. These individuals avoid making changes and stay away from novel situations. They do not feel able to cope with the unexpected. Depression for these individuals is usually brought on by interpersonal rejection or loss and is accompanied by loss of self-esteem and self-confidence (Millon, 1996, p. 183).</p> <p>Individuals with DPD can be plagued by fatigue, lethargy, and diffuse anxieties (Millon, 1981, p. 130); underneath their denial of the unpleasant, these individuals are often unable to feel much joy in living. They may describe themselves as pessimistic, discouraged, and dejected. They suffer in silence; they feel they must appear satisfied and content around those upon whom they depend (Millon, 1981, p. 113). On occasion, in a desperate attempt to counter emerging feelings of hopelessness and depression, these individuals may experience a reverse in their typical passive, subdued style to that of hypomanic activity, excitement, and optimism (Millon, 1996, p. 181). They may also be able to mitigate their depression, even when experiencing abandonment, by a refusal to see what they do not want to see and a defensively sustained belief that everything will turn out all right (Kantor, 1992, p. 171).</p> <p><strong>Defensive Structure</strong></p> <p>The primary defense mechanism for individuals with DPD is introjection. These individuals go beyond identification to seek internalization of the more powerful other; they long for an inseparable interpersonal bond. Threats and conflicts in the relationship are protected against by obscuring the autonomy and identity of those with DPD. The defense of introjection is the process of devaluing the self and over-idealizing others; it may include hypochondriasis. Denial is a secondary defense to smooth over uncomfortable interpersonal events or hostile impulses (Kubacki & Smith, Retzlaff, ed., 1995, p. 170).</p> <p>Millon also believes that individuals with DPD use denial as a significant defense. They soften the edges of interpersonal strain with a syrupy sweetness and a tendency to cover up or gloss over troublesome events. These individuals characteristically limit their awareness of themselves and others to a narrow sphere -- within comfortable boundaries. They are minimally introspective, naive, unperceptive, and uncritical. They are inclined to see only the good in situations -- including the pleasant side of troubling events (Millon, 1981, pp. 112-114).</p> <p class="c2"><a id="2" name="2"></a> <span class="c37"><strong>Treating the Dependent Personality Disorder</strong></span></p> <p><strong>The Dependent Personality Disorder Coming Into Treatment</strong></p> <p>Individuals with DPD are frequently found in outpatient mental health clinics. They often engage in fantasies of magical refueling and the provision of endless supplies by omnipotent, benevolent others (Van Denburg, Retzlaff, ed., 1995, p. 123). However, they do not usually come in for treatment saying they are too dependent nor do they identify decision making as the critical problem. In fact, passive-dependent people usually know they are dependent and do not particularly see it as a problem or they do not care if it is. They like being dependent (Kantor, 1992, p. 171). Instead, they usually complain of anxiety, tension, or depression (Turkat, 1990, p. 82). While individuals with DPD often experience a positive treatment outcome (Sperry, 1995, p. 87), it is still a serious challenge for these people to leave an abusive relationship. If they are tightly bound to a relationship in which their significant other uses drugs and alcohol, their own abstinence or recovery is unlikely.</p> <p><strong>Medication Issues</strong></p> <p>There is little evidence to suggest that the use of medication will result in long-term benefits in the personality functioning of individuals with DPD (Perry, Gabbard & Atkinson, eds., 1996, p. 998). DPD is not amenable to pharmacological measures; treatment relies upon verbal therapies (Stone, 1993, pp. 341-343).</p> <p>It is recommended that target symptoms rather than specific personality disorders be medicated. One of these target symptoms of particular importance is dysphoria -- marked by low energy, leaden fatigue, and depression. Dysphoria can also be associated with a craving for chocolate and for stimulants, e.g. cocaine. DPD is one of the most vulnerable personality disorders to dysphoria and some individuals with DPD respond well to antidepressant medications (Ellison & Adler, Adler, ed., 1990, p. 53).</p> <p>People with DPD are prone to both depressive and anxiety disorders. Stone (1993, pp. 341-343) suggests that these individuals may respond well to benzodiazepines in a crisis. However, clients with DPD are likely to abuse anxiolytics and their use should be limited and monitored with caution (Sperry, 1995, pp. 93-94).</p> <p>Unfortunately, individuals with DPD tend to be appealing clients. They are not inclined to be demanding and provocative. This can be precisely why they are given benzodiazepines by psychiatrists who may feel both benevolent and protective. Their inclination to use denial and escape to manage their lives makes the use of sedative-hypnotics familiar and pleasant. Iatrogenic addiction is a serious concern.</p> <p><strong>Treatment Provider Guidelines</strong></p> <p>Individuals with DPD can seem easy to treat initially; they are attentive, cooperative, and appreciative. They engage easily in the treatment process and will agree with everything their service providers say. They will be extremely compliant and openly idealize the treatment providers. Then, after a period of time, it will become apparent that these same clients are clinging to treatment and resisting any attempt to enhance autonomy (Beck & Freeman, 1990, p. 283). Clients with DPD will express their discomfort or disagreement indirectly through missing appointments or forgetting to complete assignments. They may secretly devalue the treatment providers and fail to carry out even the most undemanding suggestion given to them in the course of treatment (Kubacki & Smith, Retzlaff, ed., 1995, p. 170).</p> <p>Clients with DPD must eventually become more active and self-reliant. This change is quite difficult and will trigger fantasies and fears regarding the consequences of being independent. Should they become more autonomous, most individuals with DPD fear being abandoned by those who currently care for them. They experience themselves as inept, overburdened, and inadequate to face the demands of life. They cannot conceive of their own abilities for autonomy and independent functioning.</p> <p>In treatment, these individuals will develop a strong dependence on service providers while continuing to devalue their own ability to make use of the treatment. All progress will be attributed to the service providers and not to the self (McCann, Retzlaff, ed., 1995, p. 147).</p> <p>Even though DPD treatment progress will be made evident through increased independent functioning, this cannot be an initial therapeutic goal. Early in the treatment process, accommodation will need to be made so that some of the dependency needs evidenced by these clients can be gratified via appropriate support and encouragement from service providers and enough security can be developed to allow change to be pursued (Van Denberg, Retzlaff, ed., p. 123). It is a delicate balance as it is equally important that service providers do not reestablish the dominance-submission pattern that characterizes other relationships for these individuals (Millon, 1981, p. 130). It needs to be determined whether or not apparent gains in treatment are merely temporary compliance with strong, demanding treatment providers (Dorr, Retzlaff, ed., 1995, p. 198). The willingness that individuals with DPD have to submit to more powerful others makes it imperative that professional boundaries and limits are established and adhered to closely. If treatment providers allow themselves to dominate DPD clients, they may eventually encounter the denied rage in these individuals for that domination (Kubacki & Smith, Retzlaff, ed., 1995, p. 171). They may then find themselves entangled in a complex web of dependency and fury with individuals who feel betrayed and damaged.</p> <p><strong>Transference and Countertransference Issues</strong></p> <p>Clients with DPD are friendly, cooperative, and compliant. These individuals are extremely pleased if their service providers are powerful and competent. However, in the course of treatment it frequently becomes apparent that changes are not happening, and eventually, someone runs out of patience (Benjamin, 1993, p. 238).</p> <p>Perry (Gabbard & Atkinson, eds., 1996, pp. 995-996) suggests that there are four types of transference and countertransference problems with clients with DPD:</p> <p> </p> <ol type="1"> <li>In initial treatment, these individuals may make many demands or requests of the service providers for advice, succor, or concrete help which cannot be met. It is then possible that they will terminate treatment early and have an unsuccessful treatment outcome. Treatment providers should give special attention to help modulate these demands early in treatment to prevent disappointment and dropout. A countertransference issue here would be service provider emotional withdrawal. (Richards [1993, 1993, p.343] also notes that initial dependency in the treatment process must be expected and can be useful in building a therapeutic bond strong enough to allow individuals with DPD to change. However, excessive dependency can elicit countertransference annoyance and a wish that the client would leave therapy.)</li> <li>Individuals with DPD may repeatedly attempt to have service providers take responsibility for all decisions and tell them how to run their lives. Should the service providers accept this role they will become an external substitute for the these clients' own will. Treatment providers may actually do this because they have become exasperated by the DPD clients' protestation of helplessness [Sperry (1995, p. 88) notes that countertransference with DPD clients includes disdain and contempt.] or because of a personal wish to assume an idealized role as a wise and all-knowing person.</li> <li>Individuals with DPD may avoid making real changes but stay in treatment to maintain an emotional attachment to the treatment providers. DPD clients' compliant attitude may be mistaken for cooperation with the goals of treatment. This is covert refusal to accept responsibility for making changes. Their passivity is reinforced if the service providers do not recognize and openly address this problem.</li> <li>Individuals with DPD may have unsatisfying, punitive relationships. Their repeated stories about mistreatment may evoke a desire to control their self-defeating patterns on the part of the service providers. If service providers challenge clients with DPD to leave abusive relationships, they may place them in a position of being trapped by their emotional attachment to their therapist and the fear of loss or being punished by their partner.</li> </ol> <p><strong>Treatment Techniques</strong></p> <p>Zimmerman (1994, pp. 118-119) suggests the following questions when assessing individuals for DPD:</p> <p> </p> <ul> <li>Some people enjoy making decisions. Other prefer to have someone they trust guide them. Which do you prefer?<br /> </li> <li>Do you seek advice for everyday decisions?<br /> </li> <li>Do you find yourself in situations where other people have made decisions about important areas in your life, e.g. what job to take?<br /> </li> <li>Is it hard for you to express a different opinion with someone you are close to? What do you think might happen if you did?<br /> </li> <li>Do you often pretend to agree with others even if you do not? Why?<br /> </li> <li>Do you often need help to get started on a project?<br /> </li> <li>Do you ever volunteer to do unpleasant things for others so they will take care of you when you need it?<br /> </li> <li>Are you uncomfortable when you are alone? Are you afraid you will not be able to take care of yourself?<br /> </li> <li>Have you found that you are desperate to get into another relationship right away when a close relationship ends? Even if the new relationship might not be the best person for you?<br /> </li> <li>Do you worry about important people in your life leaving you?</li> </ul> <p>A critical element in the assessment of DPD is the relationship with dominant others. When a dominant other is available to individuals with DPD, there is often not a problem bringing them to treatment as they have the reassurance they need. The discomfort and distress occur when the dominant other is not available. When individuals with DPD do enter treatment, they will usually describe a pattern of molding their personalities to the dominant figures with whom they are involved. Treatment should, if possible, involve significant others as less dependence on the part of individuals with DPD will likely have a negative impact on the relationships (Turkat, 1990, pp. 82-83).</p> <p>Perry (Gabbard & Atkinson, eds., 1996, pp. 996-997) suggests that In DPD treatment, clients should be assisted to:</p> <p> </p> <ul> <li>conceptualize their treatment goals;<br /> </li> <li>commit themselves to actions that are manageable toward those goals; and<br /> </li> <li>persevere despite discouragement or an inclination to give up on those goals.</li> </ul> <p>Gradually, service providers should increase the level of expectations for autonomous decision making, action, and socially effective responses. This include self-management of crises and self-soothing under stress. This requires assisting clients with DPD to resolve transference wishes to be dependent and to experience a more self-reliant role in relationships. In treatment, the service provider must empathize with DPD clients' feelings of inadequacy but should point out other behaviors that demonstrate their self-efficacy, autonomy, and competence (McCann, Retzlaff, ed., 1995, p. 147).</p> <p>An interpersonal approach to DPD treatment promotes healthy identification with people, e.g. service providers, group members, and peers who function at a more autonomous level (Kantor, 1992, p. 173).</p> <p>An educative approach teaches clients with DPD how to be independent. Direct advice is given at the beginning of treatment. Later, advice is given indirectly by asking clients with DPD to make a decision and then assisting them with the decision once it has been made (Kantor, 1992, pp 173-174).</p> <p>Cognitive-behavior therapy views the DPD client-service provider relationship as reflective of dysfunctional DPD beliefs and behaviors. Treatment is focused on fostering accurate self-appraisal and independent decision making and independent behavior. Initial dependent behavior is accepted but addressed and reflected upon in the treatment process. Treatment techniques that are used include:</p> <p> </p> <ul> <li>graded in vivo exposure to anxiety-provoking situations;<br /> </li> <li>challenging negative self-beliefs;<br /> </li> <li>diaries to monitor automatic thoughts and highlighting the negative effects of those thoughts;<br /> </li> <li>challenging DPDs to select healthier responses to various situations;<br /> </li> <li>relaxation training;<br /> </li> <li>assertiveness training; and,<br /> </li> <li>role-playing for skill development.</li> </ul> <p>When there is resistance to change, service providers help clients with DPD to think through their ambivalence about changing and to substitute constructive behavior for old dependent habits (Perry, Gabbard & Atkinson, eds., 1996, p. 997).</p> <p><strong>Treatment Goals</strong></p> <p>Adler (Adler, ed., 1990, pp. 26-28) suggests that treatment goals for all personality disorders include: preventing further deterioration, regaining an adaptive equilibrium, alleviating symptoms, restoring lost skills, and fostering improved adaptive capacity. Goals may not necessarily include characterological restructuring. The focus of treatment is adaptation, i.e., how individuals respond to the environment. Treatment interventions teach more adaptive methods of managing distress, improving interpersonal effectiveness, and building skills for affective regulation.</p> <p>For individuals with DPD, the goal of treatment is not independence but autonomy. Autonomy has been defined as the capacity for independence and the ability to develop intimate relationships (Beck & Freeman, 1990, p. 291). Sperry (1995, p. 86 - 91) suggests that the basic goal for DPD treatment is self-efficacy. Individuals with DPD must recognize their dependent patterns and the high price they pay to maintain those patterns. This allows them to explore alternatives. The long-range goal is to increase DPD individuals' sense of independence and ability to function. Clients with DPD must build strength rather than foster neediness (Benjamin, 1993, p. 238).</p> <p>As with other personality disorders, treatment goals should not be in contradiction to the basic personality and temperament of these individuals. They can work toward a more functional version of those characteristics that are intrinsic to their style. Oldham (1990, p. 104) suggests seven traits and behaviors of the "devoted personality style," i.e, the non-personality-disordered version of DPD:</p> <p> </p> <ul> <li>ability to make commitments;</li> <li>enjoyment of intimacy;</li> <li>skills as a team player -- without need to compete with the leader;</li> <li>willingness to seek the opinions and advice of others;</li> <li>ability to promote interpersonal harmony;</li> <li>thoughtfulness and consideration for others; and,</li> <li>willingness to self-correct in response to criticism.</li> </ul> <p class="c2"><a id="3" name="3"></a> <span class="c37"><strong>Dual Diagnosis Treatment:<br /> Treating The Addicted Dependent Personality Disorder</strong></span></p> <p><strong>Cluster C: Incidence of Co-Occurring Substance Abuse Disorders</strong></p> <p>Cluster C has a high incidence of co-occurring substance abuse disorders, though not as high as Cluster B (Nace, O'Connell, ed., 1990, p. 184).</p> <p>Individuals with personality disorders, due to their frequent failures in self-regulation, have an increased inclination to use drugs and alcohol as alternative solutions to life problems. This failure in self-regulation and faulty adaptation to normal stressors can usually be attributed to deficiencies or disturbances in the personality (Richards, 1993, pp. 227-240). As Freud has said, intoxicating substances keep misery at a distance and provide a greatly desired degree of independence from the external world. With the help of drugs, anyone can withdraw from the pressures of reality and find refuge in a world of their own (Khantzian, Halliday, & McAuliffe, 1990, Opening page).</p> <p>While Khantzian, et. al. (1990, p. 3) view the treatment of any character disorder as the road to recovery from addiction, their approach also demands a continued attention to and concern about maintaining abstinence and avoiding relapse. Addiction becomes a disorder in its own right and must be addressed directly. However, the treatment of personality disorders can lead to profound change in personality disordered individuals' experience of self and the world, which, in turn, can positively affect recovery from addiction.</p> <p>Specifically, for individuals with DPD, alcoholism and other substance abuse are common presenting problems since drugs and alcohol offer an easy, passive way to either deal with or escape from problems (Beck & Freeman, 1990, p. 287). Highly dependent individuals often have a history of oral excesses, i.e., alcohol, food, and drug abuse; they also have a history of early loss or deprivation and issues of abandonment and loneliness (Millon, 1996, p. 182).</p> <p>For individuals with DPD, the external search for self-comfort, security, and self-regulation makes them quite vulnerable to chemical dependency. For individuals with DPD, alcohol and other drugs can:</p> <p> </p> <ul> <li>effectively address DPD anxiety symptoms;<br /> </li> <li>provide a release and emotional expression that are denied due to fear of losing security and support;<br /> </li> <li>serve as a substitute solution to unmet interpersonal needs;<br /> </li> <li>be used to manage the separation anxiety when a spouse comes and goes during routine daily activities; and,<br /> </li> <li>provide an escape from competency demands.</li> </ul> <p>There may be some immunity to addiction if significant others are very disapproving of these individuals' drug use. However, the disapproval may be responded to by secretive use and greater anxiety, depression, and self-loathing. (Richards, 1993, p. 244).</p> <p><strong>Drugs of Choice for the Dependent Personality Disorder</strong></p> <p>Individuals with DPD make few choices for themselves. They are not likely to select a drug, route of administration, frequency of use, or location of use if their involvement with drugs and alcohol exists within a social or relationship context. They will use what, when, where, and how according to those with whom they are involved.</p> <p>If drug or alcohol use is done in secrecy and isolation, sedative hypnotics are likely to be preferred. Few individuals with DPD, operating on their own, will have the necessary aggression and tolerance for risk to engage in acquisition of illegal drugs. They are more likely to use alcohol or seek sedative-hypnotics from physicians.</p> <p><strong>Dual Diagnosis Treatment for the Dependent Personality Disorder</strong></p> <p>Individuals with DPD often do well in inpatient treatment and in early phases of recovery since the stabilizing and supportive aspects of the treatment process meet their basic dependency needs. However, these individuals will resist movement through the recovery process; they are inclined to remain in the attached, secure, weak, and provided for position of early treatment. The greater independence involved in later recovery provokes anxiety and abandonment depression. They then become quite vulnerable to relapse as drugs and alcohol modulate feelings of abandonment. Drugs can provide escape or avoidance of the pain (Richards, 1993, p. 245). Relapse potential, particularly in relation to personality issues, needs to be addressed directly and clearly. It is important that these individuals see the impact of their dependency choices in regard to drugs and alcohol as in other areas of their lives.</p> <p>Since individuals with DPD follow the lead of those around them, it is particularly important to assess their social environment to locate areas of peer pressure or the social function of their drug use. NA or AA contacts will be easy for these individuals but there is no assurance that they will seek out and attach to the healthier and more sincere members of their groups. They can often be prey for more aggressive or narcissistic people in any system. Treatment must be centered on managing dependency; specific guidance and reinforcement of preferred interpersonal attachments are often crucial to addicted individuals with DPD (Richards, 1993, p. 245).</p> <p>Individuals with DPD are likely to take a depressed position in regard to their addiction. They view themselves as victims and elicit help from others. Group therapy might be quite useful in helping individuals with DPD see that other people will continue to like, accept, and assist them even if they disagree with something that is being said. This is a maturational step these individuals experience as risky (Richards, 1993, pp. 238-242). Group treatment is also effective in confronting individuals with DPD about their absolution of themselves from taking responsibility for their choices and their behavior. It is important to remember that, for individuals with DPD, self-destructive behavior in the service of relationship maintenance will look like a reasonable trade-off, no matter what it looks like to others. Group members can be effective in pointing out the impact of abusive or self-destructive relationships.</p> <p>Of concern, particularly in the treatment of addicted Individuals with severe DPD is their potential for disinhibition and violence if they feel seriously threatened. These individuals usually have low activity levels and barely discernible aggression. However, they can become paranoid and even violent if their basic dependency is threatened. If they feel both endangered and are intoxicated, individuals with severe DPD have made mortal attacks on their families. Also, because of their avoidance of adult activities, immaturity, and self-identity as a child, sexual offenses against children have been made, particularly during times of intoxication and abandonment by another adult (Richards, 1993, p. 244).</p> <p>Confrontation usual to substance abuse treatment should be modified to meet the severity of the dependent personality disorder. For individuals with severe DPD, confrontation will trigger fantasies of rescue from a protective other outside of the treatment process. Modulated confrontation that emphasizes self-empowerment sill also assist in addressing characterological issues.</p> <p>Abstinence should be a goal of treatment. If it is a prerequisite, most individuals with DPD will remain self-destructive in the service of protecting a relationship rather than accept treatment-- unless involvement with the criminal justice system can leverage them out of the negative situation.</p> <p> </p> <div class="c11"> <table border="1" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0"> <tr> <td align="center" title="Wrongful Conviction." width="100%"><a href="http://www.mobrien.com/porthope8.htm" target="_top"><b>Bikers:</b>Port Hope 8</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="Computer / stock market fraud." width="100%"><a href="http://www.mobrien.com/Kretz-TorSun.htm">International Fraud</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="The Criminal Code of Canada" width="100%"><a href="/ccc.htm">Criminal Code (Law)</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="Why do children commit murder?" width="100%"><a href="/commentary.htm">Child Murderers</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="The expanding threat of international computer crime." width="100%"><a href="http://www.mobrien.com/computer_crime.htm">Computer Crime I</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="Security vulnerabilities of Windows NT" width="100%"><a href="http://www.mobrien.com/windows_nt_wardoc.htm">Computer Crime II</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="Secure your computer with the help of this extensive How To series." width="100%"><a href="http://www.mobrien.com/network_r.htm">Network Security I</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="Securing your computer." width="100%"> <a href="http://www.mobrien.com/firewall_r.htm">Network Security II</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="Investigation tools: Psychological Profiling" width="100%"><a href="/pdo.htm">Personality Disorders I</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="Investigative tools: Psychological Profiling" width="100%"><a href="/dpd.htm">Personality DisordersII</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="How to catch a cheating spouse and what to do about it." width="100%"><a href="/diy.htm">Catching Cheaters</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="Researchers links, national and domestic security" width="100%"><a href="http://www.mobrien.com/top_secret.htm">Research Links</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="Security Publication" width="100%"><a href="http://www.thewednesdayreport.com/twr/twr_main.htm">TheWednesdayReport</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="Listing of Major Crown Projects and their status." width="100%"><a href="http://www.thewednesdayreport.com/twr/crown_projects.htm">Crown Projects</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="The Wednesday Report, Canada's Aerospace and Defence Weekly" width="100%"><a href="http://www.thewednesdayreport.com/twr/twr.htm">National Security I</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="The Wednesday Report, Canada's Aerospace and Defence Weekly" width="100%"><a href="http://www.thewednesdayreport.com/twr/twr_comment.htm">National Security II</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="The Wednesday Report, Canada's Aerospace and Defence Weekly" width="100%"><a href="http://www.thewednesdayreport.com/twr/twr_comment2.htm">National Security III</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" title="The Canadian Naval combatant fleet" width="100%"><a href="http://www.thewednesdayreport.com/twr/navy.htm">Canadian Naval Fleet</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td title="Archived Issues of The Wednesday Report." width="100%" align="center"> <p class="c2"><a href="http://www.thewednesdayreport.com/twr/twr_archive.htm" target="_top">Archives</a></p> </td> </tr> </table> </div> <div class="c38">Hello Michael:</div> <div class="c38">I am wondering if you are seeing some evidence of "fantasy" as opposed to "infidelity"? Clearly there are signs of trouble either way.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Confronting your partner with specifics is the only way to get real answers from which you can make your decisions. Addictive Cyber-sex or Cyber-dating behaviour is a phenomenon of both lonely and 'sick' people. Lonely is the focus here.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">I would suggest that you discuss the issues directly, even if it means that you must admit to doing a little spying.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Further, you should find your way, both of you, to a marriage and family therapist (MFT). There are some problems here that underlie the current issues. Your wife's statements about her loneliness should not be dismissed lightly. No doubt you are feeling much the same way.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">What follows is not to say anything other than to point to the variance in thinking across this planet about 'spousal relationships': One of the most widely adored marriages in the world was that of Paul and Linda McCartney. After Linda's tragic death, media, friends and Sir P. McCartney himself commented extensively enough to indicate wide acceptance that, "in all their years of marriage, he never left her alone for one night".</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Certainly that is not possible for everyone, but if that is an ingredient of a GOOD marriage, what, in the event of absence, is the consequence, and what, in varied absences to a greater extreme is the more extreme consequence. Something to think about, Michael. Priorities, compromises and consequences.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Please let me know how you make out.</div> <div class="c38">Good luck.</div> <div class="c38">Hi Sandy:</div> <div class="c38">All of your observations are as conclusive as they need to be. What more information can you need? For you to go to the trouble of doing surveillance on this individual is pure folly. You know what you know and it is making you unhappy. Your expectations of this relationship are far too high.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Trust is not just based on a feeling but based on observations of attitudes and behaviours. A person expecting your trust has an obligation to not just behave in a trustworthy fashion but to project the appearance of doing so and explaining any deviations that occur with unfortunate happenstance (coincidence).</div> <div> </div> <div><span class="c13">Such is not the case in your instance. Your friend has not given you reason to trust him.</span> </div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Moreover, you are in a casual non-committed relationship with this man and while he is conducting himself accordingly, you seem to be acting as if it is an exclusive relationship. You need to wake up to that fact. You have put yourself in this situation while accepting his misleading stories and promises. I sense that is changing within you. Good for you!</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Your feelings for this person seem to be much stronger than his feelings for you. After three years, that is not going to change. Adjust to that.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">That isn't uncommon, people do drift apart. But he should have been truthful with you and should not be wasting your time in a relationship he clearly has no intention of going further with. He has misled you completely. And also, certainly his respect for you is nearly non-existent. It's time for you to lower your expectations from this relationship. If the relationship is causing you sufficient anxiety as to impact your overall wellness, end it completely.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Otherwise, you might also consider restricting the relationship to formal dating. In other words, see him only on pre-arranged outings (dates).</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">One of the difficult aspects of breaking up a relationship is the loss of hope "for what could have been". We all have dreams and hope for the best from our primary relationship. Because of that we see things through rose colored glasses at times. It's time to take off those rosy glasses and see things for what they are. It is most important that you convince yourself to lower your expectations. Keep in mind that you are in the driver's seat. You are responsible for your own happiness. You are in this relationship because you put yourself there. You can just as easily get yourself out.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">If he has promised you fidelity, his promises are worthless. You have been misled.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Frankly, it sounds to me like you are in this relationship to fill some of your needs until something better comes along. Perhaps you ought to accelerate the latter. You too should be seeing other people. Certainly you can't believe there is a future with this man under the current circumstances.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Above all, any expectations that you have that exceed what one would expect from a casual dating relationship must end. That's all you have. A casual dating relationship wherein each party is not obliged to monogamy. Lower your expectations and moving on will be easier.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Good luck and stay in touch. Let me know how you are doing.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Micheal J. O'Brien</div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div>your message: I found out last year that he was cheating on me. After that we went<br /> out one night this lady came up to him and it was (not real name Bill)<br /> this Bill that . The next day she came to his house, he leaves on a fram<br /> and you have to know where it is to know where he lives. She came out and<br /> he played if off, this women is married. Then I found a woman's number in his<br /> pant pocket, he played this off also. He has a lot of hang ups and I just want<br /> to find out one more time, but I want to be able to show him thi time. <br /> He says he wants to marry me, but we have been together for 3 1/2 years and<br /> he still has not asked. I just want to be able to knowfo sure so that I<br /> don't marry him and all I live with is him cheating. One night we where out he plays<br /> pool at this bar, we walk in and his friend says I thought yu where going out of town.<br /> Then the next time we are there another friend says to me one of many. He palyed this off<br /> and said people just want to make trouble. He gets hang ups all the time. If I answer sometimes<br /> they hold just for a few seconds then hang up,I can hear music or<br /> a TV in the background. He lives out in the country but it would be hard to see his house in my car<br /> and I don't know all of the places he might go. The women I caught him<br /> with was from out of state. I am at lost here.He has a cell phone<br /> but there are to many numbers or they change all the time. Last night<br /> he got a call and acted funny then said it was someone trying to sell<br /> him something, then he acted funny and said he was going to do<br /> the *69 or *67 to find out what the nimber is. He when out to the pond on sunday<br /> and he never carrys his cell phone with him but it was not in his truck<br /> that he drives, when he took me home the cell phone was not in the truck<br /> he always has it in the truck. I just want to find out, so that this<br /> last time I can know in my heart I need to let go.<br /> </div> <div class="c38">Will you consider bringing your relationship to a local Marriage and Family Therapist? Your marriage could benefit from some skilled, face-to-face therapeutic help. And you, Johanna, need to throw out some mistaken ideas about human function.</div> <div> </div> <div><span class="c13">Good heavens, Johanna, what a nice couple you two seem to be. You two have the makings of a beautiful relationship. It doesn't sound like there is any kind of threat to you that is cause for you to break up your primary relationship. Oh dear. That is inadvertently unfair, unrealistic, and far more ominous than what your husband is doing, to put it bluntly. I refer to your comment:</span> <em>"I have threatened to leave him if he fails to stop this disgusting habit, which I find repulsive and dirty."</em></div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Oh my gosh.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Wow. Get a grip, Johanna. Hey. In some respects I sympathize. I was raised as a (Latin) strict Catholic and entered the Seminary to become a priest at one point early in my life. My head was filled with extremely backward nonsense that even the church itself later altered its stand on. I required and did make a shift in my way of thinking. You need to do that too. Masturbation is as much a normal part of human function as is breathing, burping, urinating and so on. If you think about the incredibly sophisticated and beautiful human body that God has created, you coudn't possibly find anything repulsive and dirty.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">You sound annoyed with this internet porn thing. Maybe that's the real problem. Some jealousy. Allow yourself to stop taking his behaviour as a personal insult. He is fantasizing. I would reluctantly venture that there is a little naughtiness going down here but nothing too serious. Some misplaced energy is more to the point. Well, ok, I don't particularly like the internet porn situation you refer to because I would prefer to have most of this sexual fantasy time rolled into some partner activities that bring the two of you together. That could be a worthwhile goal for you.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">You talk about his basement electric shop and his time on the internet. This creature of habit is, I presume, retired. Sounds like he is replicating his working life schedule and doing a little of the 'caveman' thing as well. Try watching his activities with a little more amusement in mind rather than intensity. You might get quite a few private chuckles. Together, with some outside help, you can work on gradually developing some better habits though. And don't be too surprised that all this is just an interim adjustment thing that will soon change. What you two need is some help in managing the process of change and some good options added to the agenda.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">"Old fashioned," you ask. I guess that's the way some people would say it but the truth is, I suspect that just like everyone else on this planet, something in your past has given you certain concepts about what sex and intimacy are all about - in your case, as it is for many pople, some misinformation and very restrictive rules about sex and sexuality are problematic today. Perhaps you would benefit from working on this with a paradigm shift as a goal -- meaning a different way of thinking about things. Are you able to give yourself some permission or license to feel better about new ideas as a first step?</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">One area to explore is the sexual FANTASY. That's what your husband has been doing on the internet. Your husband has been having sexual fantasies for 65 years and you finally figured that out. Pretty shocking discovery? Well, the same is true for all human beings, admit it or not. The peculiar thing about the surrealistic world of multimedia and cyberspace (the internet) is that those fantasies now have some sophisticated accessories. As a consequence, many people's fantasies are less of a secret now than ever before. Welcome to the new millennium wherein we are all coping with the process of change.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">A few things you say are extremely encouraging. Your husband's sexual desires all seem to revolve around you. There are some strong indicators to support that.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Your husband sounds like a wonderful partner, although one who could use a little bit of enlightenment just like you do; and you sound like a very intelligent and communicative person who is the key problem solver in the relationship. Perhaps it could be you who makes a few calls, talks with the family doctor, gets a referral and hauls your fine marriage to an MFT for some real honing of the skills you each bring to your already rich relationship.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">By the way, Johanna, the 'experts' your husband has referred to are supported by most human anthropologists, spiritual and medical leaders. Male and female masturbation is perfectly normal. Perhaps your husband's and your bad manners on the subject could use some focus though. I am referring to his flaunting the internet porn regardless of how you feel about that; and your inclination to try and catch him in the act of peeking and masturbating. Hmmmm. Some things among cohabiting partners need the 'blind eye', as you well know. The internet thing we have already gone over. Some behaviour modification is in order.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Are there some religious concerns regarding intimacy? Do you feel threatened by your husband's visit to the porn sites and the fact that he is obviously becoming aroused? It's all fantasy, Johanna. Maybe you and your partner should try sharing a few fantasies of your own together. If that's hard to do, try reminiscing out loud to him about some of your most exciting and intimate experiences together. Next, embellish the anecdote a little. Think and talk about pleasant experiences together. Say only nice, positive things to each other. Instead of blasting him for masturbating, rephrase this positively -- try suggesting that is something that you would rather be doing. Then let it be. Let's face it, Johanna, unfairly threatening to dump him because he masturbates is likely to drive him deeper into his escape fantasy-world on the internet. Your approach has been counter-productive.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Regarding your other notes:</div> <ol> <li>You are not only allowed to enjoy your husbands enthusiastic approach to intimacy, but you also have the ability. Sexual appetite, up to a point, grows the more it is fed.</li> <li>Your preferences relating to oral sex are not all that unusual. Everyone has their likes and dislikes and that's just fine. The same is true about your husband. Try to find some common ground for the basis of your intimacy relationship and do your experimentation beyond this at a mutually comfortable pace.</li> <li>Toys, creams, sex aids, experimentation. Why not. Whatever is mutually enjoyable. Your experimentation will provide the answers about what you like and don't like; will or won't try again.</li> <li>If you are comfortable with it (satiated), its ok that you don't always have an orgasm. Each person is different in this regard. What is important is that you are able to enjoy your loving intimate times together and that neither partner feels excessively uncomfortable about what is happening in the relationship. You will work on that together, with some therapeutic help, won't you?</li> </ol> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Well, Johanna, I am afraid I am not at my coherent best as I am at the end of a long shift. I am hoping you feel the encouragement I want to share with you. You sound like an absolutely wonderful couple who are more than capable of getting over some misunderstandings and minor communication gaps.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Please have a talk with your family doctor, a professional who in my experience is always a good community center-point for developing a solid relationship support team. Try and get a referral appointment with a qualified Marriage and Family Therapist at the earliest opportunity. You will both find this to be a rewarding learning experience.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">I wish you the very very best and invite you to stay in touch and let me know how you are doing. If you feel any of the foregoing needs more explanation, please ask.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Yours truly,</div> <div class="c38">Micheal O'Brien</div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div class="c39"> On Thursday, May 10, 2001 9:31 PM -- You wrote:</div> <div class="c39">My husband who is 65, I am 68. Sits in front of his computer watching porn on the Internet. Twice now I have caught him Masturbating, while he looks at the pictures of young women.<br /> I have told him that this makes me feel inferior, and I asked him to stop. He promised he would and in less than two months he was at it again. He thinks that I am sneaking around on him, which makes him mad. We have sex on a regular basis every week. He said that he wants sex more often but I cannot, once a week is adequate to me. I do not have a great sex drive, and when we do have sex I do not have a orgasm very often. I have threatened to leave him if he fails to stop this disgusting habit, which I find repulsive and dirty.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c39">My husband say's that it quite natural for men to masturbate, I do not agree with him. He said that he has read several articles on the net written by sex therapist and doctors, who condone masturbation.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c39">My husband is a good man and a good partner, but he spends 4-5 hours a day on the Internet looking a pornographic pictures of various way's to have sex. I complain that he spends more time looking at porn and working on his computer. He has a small work in the basement that he spends most of the day doing repairs on electronic equipment. These two activities take most of his time. I find that he does not spend much time in our relationship, and tends to ignore me, and the only time I see him is at night then we just sit and watch TV. I like to go for walks in the summer and to get some exercise. Also I like to cuddle now and again, this lets me know that he still loves me.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c39">My husband has purchased several vibrators for both of us and several creams and lotions to make our sex life a lot better. He said that we should have mutual masturbation foreplay before we have sex. He likes to have aural sex with me, which I am not crazy over, and he likes me to blow him and rub the top of penis. He also likes me to use a vibrator on him, and he uses a vibrator on me, before we have intercourse.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c39">My husband does not run after other women or make passes at my friends.</div> <div> </div> <div><br /> <span class="c40">His what he is doing normal, for his age? I am, for my age, quite attractive, but because of his activities on the Internet, it gives me a inferiority complex. Am I to old fashioned.<br /> </span></div> <div class="c38">Dear xxxxxxl:</div> <div class="c38">In response to your request for confidential advice:</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">I am just guessing but I would suppose that you are both quite young. Certainly your spouse is very immature. Telling you all this in a long distance conversation over the phone. Hmmm. Very thoughtless. Perhaps inadvertantly, but certainly cruel. My heart goes out to you.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">As you were engaged to be married during this infidelity you are right to be concerned about this man's character and commitment in the marriage. Engagement is a civil contract, verbal, but no less binding. For many people it is a trial beginning of marriage. Many people interpret "being engaged" differently, so think about what it meant to you and your partner.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">When does he return? Would you consider counseling? I don't think this crisis must need be a marriage killer but, further, I don't believe you should project taking this lightly either. If you want to stay together get yourselves (figuratively 'drag him by the ear' if necesary) in front of a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) as soon as possible. You might also want to share your 'news' and seek advise and support from a trusted family member (i.e. Mom or Dad or whomever you are close with), Family Doctor (you <u>must!</u> apprise yourself of all health-related issues and get a thorough blood work-up done). For sure, get that blood test if only to eliminate any worry down the road. I gather it's been a year so a test should be conclusive. And see a counsellor yourself.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Build yourself a support team. Surely this is hard to cope with alone. </div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Your legal options are worth noting. Should you feel so inclined to at least inform yourself about your potential legal actions in Family Court, and what each step would be, you could have a short meeting with a legal adviser or lawyer to learn what if anything you don't know about your legal options as they apply in your state. If you don't have a lawyer, a short while spent on the phone could be quite productive. Contact the State Bar Association or Law Society and try and get a low-cost referral if that suits your means.</div> <div class="c38"> </div> <div class="c38">Inform yourself of all your options by building a good support team. And at the right time, inform your partner of the distress his breach of promise to you has caused and whatever steps your are going to take. You can hold off making a decision about staying together or not, but either way you should build that support group and inform yourself completely on the issues I have set out. That way whatever decison you make will be an informed one having good potential for success. More importantly, it will make you feel better.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Good luck to you both.</div> <div class="c38">Please, let me know how you are doing.</div> <div class="c38">best...</div> <div class="c38">Micheal O'Brien</div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">-=-=-=-=-=-=</div> <div>your message:</div> <div class="c38">-=-=-=-=-=-=</div> <div>my huband just told me last week over the phone that the whole time we were dating and engaged he cheated on me with his x girlfriend and he also had a one night stand. he says he hasn't done anything in our marriage, but i can't beleive that. i don't know what to do or think we've been married less than a year. he's in the army and hes overseas now he'll be back in setember.</div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div class="c38"> --------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /> This communication is confidential and legally privileged. If you<br /> are not the intended recipient, (i) please do not read or disclose to<br /> others, (ii) please notify the sender by reply mail, and (iii) please delete<br /> this communication from your system. Failure to follow this process may be<br /> unlawful. Thank you for your cooperation.<br /> --------------------------------------------------------------------------</div> <p>Dear Wayne:<br /> I am assuming that you have left out nothing you know about that may have<br /> caused your partner's dysfunctional behaviour, (i.e.: abusiveness and or<br /> violence in the marriage... or other such divisive dysfunction).<br /> <br /> What really stands out is the fact that she told you about all of this. That<br /> is a very strong manifestation of the type of person you are married to.<br /> Instead of living with her own guilt she dumped it off on you. Or tried to.<br /> That triggers an alarm bell. She may be seeking help but I can only<br /> speculate wildly about motivation without more input. Perhaps you know of an<br /> explanation you haven't mentioned. The fact that she has been cheating all<br /> these years is bad enough. Loading it off on you is worse.<br /> <br /> So you are burdened with some of the worst kinds of feelings related to<br /> betrayal, loss, fear, guilt and so on. Time to get some help, pal. I don't<br /> want to be the one to tell you that you are married to a 'jerk'. I mean<br /> that as a colloquialism. I use that particular street vernacular for a<br /> person exhibiting these characteristics of behaviour -- the clinical word is<br /> sociopath.-- anti-social, dysfunctional behaviour that ignores the harm done<br /> to others. There are a number of defined personality disorders and trait<br /> disorders that are shall I say different names for behaviours that include<br /> these features. That's beyond the scope of this type of minimal information<br /> exchange. Why she's a 'jerk' is a deep matter for clinical investigation if<br /> indeed that's what she wants to do. In short. You can't fix her. You can't<br /> change her. Only she can do that and I believe not without help. She needs<br /> professional mentoring and co-management of a sincere effort to functinally<br /> address life problems and behaviours. My best estimate is that she needs to<br /> get herself into some fairly extensive psychiatric treatment in order to<br /> manage some of her problems and modify her life style and cognition skills<br /> as well as self-evaluation in order to be a functional human being. Finding<br /> the right professional could be critical to the success of such therapy.<br /> <br /> These types of people hurt the lives of everyone they come in contact with.<br /> You are one such victim, and it is yourself that you must be most concerned<br /> about, apart from children of the marriage if there are any.<br /> <br /> If you manage your crisis with the help of a personal counselor or therapist<br /> you might even come out of this crisis light-years ahead of where you were<br /> when it began. For sure you will limit the enduring pain and anguish of the<br /> crisis. Few people have exceptional skills at dealing with this kind of<br /> trauma alone. Nobody can really say they couldn't do with a little help.<br /> <br /> Please consider contacting your family doctor or local medical arts<br /> facilities and get a referral to a psychologist or social worker/counselor<br /> to assist you personally in this crisis. I tell you flat out, keeping<br /> yourself well and building an inventory of coping skills is what you need to<br /> focus on. Frankly, I say to you, it is improbable that you will develope a<br /> full understanding of the events or the parties to them, but most important<br /> is that you learn to feel better about things by strengthening yourself and<br /> remaining mindful of your own personal opportunities. Remember that problems<br /> always yield opportunities. If you are able, I suggest you have a session<br /> with a Family Law legal practitioner to inform yourself of your legal<br /> options and what each process entails and how it works. Keep your options<br /> open but be sure to top up your knowledge base so that you minimize the<br /> unknown variables for yourself.<br /> <br /> That's the best I can suggest with the little information I have, Wayne.<br /> Best of luck to you and please do write me at any time.<br /> <br /> </p> <div class="c38">Dear Wayne:</div> <div class="c38">Typically men never seem to share the specific details of their wives' affairs. It's hard to know why and what is going on but I'll do my best. I can tell you three typical reasons for these adulterous trust-breaker events happening.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">1. Failures within the marriage. (Communication, intimacy and trust are the primary failures); and or</div> <div class="c38">2. A completely false paradigm or understanding of just what marriage (and sometimes reality itself) is. And in the alternative,</div> <div class="c38">3. Significant character flaws with one or both of the partners.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Based on the words you have used and how you use them, which is actually very little to go on, I would say that counseling is absolutely essential not just for the two of you [MFT (Marriage and Family Therapy)] but additionally individual counseling for each of you is a must. You both need to build a support group for your relationship that includes personal and couple therapy; family doctor, supportive friends and family members and perhaps your clergy leader if you that would be appropriate.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">I point out to you that dysfunction within a family is often based on a spirit and methodology that comprises tension and hostility as a way of life. Hard work at caring and sharing is the proper alternative and the recipe for harmony and fulfillment. Try it. Both of you. You have a lot of building to do. Perhaps you didn't from the outset of your marriage... there's no time like the present to start. You say you love your wife and she loves you. That makes betrayal hurt more and harder to understand.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">There is no excuse; it is a serious personal failure on the part of your wife. Selfishness, immaturity and possibly personality flaws come to mind. Perhaps all brought out by a serious life crisis. I don't know all the details. Nobody is perfect. But think of this. After all that is passed, if you met this person today as a stranger, knowing what you know about her anyway you can answer the question: "Is she the person you would wish to spend the rest of your life with"? Your answer may change from day to day as you go through some emotional ups and downs, but in the overall, deep inside yourself you would know the answer to that.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">However the marriage broke down, you both have responsibility in the cause and also in the remedy.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">You must be feeling pretty awful. Don't be shy about getting some advice from your family doctor to help get you through the anxious times. It can be very tough because the number one most stressful crisis for any person is the trauma that impacts our primary relationship. Your career is just a job of work: your family is your life! Your family deserves the hardest of work effort. That effort will also be the one which makes you feel the best and rewards you the most in time. Work on your marriage and you will always feel good about it and can always feel good about yourself for doing so.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Good luck.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Micheal J. O'Brien</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Micheal J. O'Brien P.C., M.F.T., B.A. Psychology, B.A. Criminology; Child & Youth Counsellor, SJA First Aid Rescuer, Level "C" CPR, Prevention & Management of Aggressive Behaviour training, Anger Management Facilitator<br /> </div> <div>for the past few days i have had dreams indicating that she is cheating and i have a gut feeling and i dont want to believe it in my heart i dont think she is but in my mind i think she is</div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Dear writer:</div> <div class="c38">Sounds like you are entering the relationship danger zone of tension and hostility.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Perhaps as so often happens our own guilt drives us to suspicion. I refer to the guilt from perhaps being inattentive. Maybe it's time to begin a routine of doing more to nourish your relationship with your partner which will make your partner happier; increase your own confidence and begin a pattern of caring and sharing. The greatest gift one can give is one's own time. Kind words, compliments and open, caring dialogue can be the recipe for new beginnings.</div> <div> </div> <p>Hi Tom:<br /> I suggest you find out when the Detective is on duty and what time he<br /> arrives at the station for duty, parade etc. Be there to meet him by<br /> appointment or just drop in till you connect. (Often a Detective does not<br /> start the shift at the office but ends up there eventually.) Ask him for a<br /> copy of the report. Meanwhile, if you are able, you should ask your<br /> insurance agent to fax you a quick letter requesting you obtain the<br /> supplementary report. Bring that to the Detective as your authority for<br /> requesting the information. Once you have a photocopy in your possession you<br /> can send it with a letter to your insurance firm explaining the error and<br /> its correction contained within the second occurrence report.<br /> Good luck.<br /> <br /> M O'Brien</p> <p> </p> <div class="c38">Wow. I am so sorry to hear how you have been betrayed. After 23 years. I see some real heavy issues here but importantly, it seems clear that you have managed your crisis well and have a good grip on the whole thing. But it's tough, isn't it. I hope you are getting through the worst of the pain and stress and will soon be able to hold your chin high and feel that way too.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Sometimes it is true that relationships have such gradually overwhelming problems, like communication for example, that the two people drift apart and can't seem to answer the self-directed question, 'when it was that they stopped loving each other'. That is seldom the reality, just how it seems to one or both. There are ebbs and tides in long-term relationships that create times of certain vulnerability. There are more than a few half baked humans out there to pounce on and exploit those vulnerablities.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Counseling might have helped you both some time ago, but my guess is that there are some serious accountability issues with your nefarious partner and perhaps that's why you weren't attending Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT). I don't know.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Do you know that life-partnership relationships need hard work and maintenance constantly from both parties? Sounds like a cliché, doesn't it? Too much so; since most folks don't do it.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Try out these notions and tell me what you think.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">1. The other woman wants what you had. Of course, eh? Ergo what you had wasn't all that bad, just needed some work? You might be fooling yourself on that score.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">2. What irks you most, Karen, your loss or her gain? Isn't it amazing how cruel and selfish some women can be to another? Forget it. He's the villain, not her. I will bet you dollars to donuts this new gal is troubled, weak, emotionally malnourished and will (unknowingly) just exploit your husband for a year or two to help her ride out the emotional storm of her own divorce, or until she can find a less encumbered male (<u>he</u> has a wife and three kids).</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">3. This is a complex suggestion, stunningly realistic, common, and tragic. My rule of thumb, based on hundreds of cases, is that the average person needs to wait at least 2 years before getting serious again (the patience takes some strength of character) after ending a long-term relationship --- and --- the parties don't actually recover completely for longer than that, sometimes not ever.... What is the measure of that? The quantum of issues from the failed brought to the new i.e.: the right time is that time in their life when they will certainly not bring the same personal, bahavioural, emotional crap and unrealistic expectations from their failed relationship into a new one and ruin it too. The upshot of this is that he who has begun a new relationship whilst still in a marriage has doomed both involvements. It's a good probability so be careful should he come back to you on a fishing expedition not to bite the hook too readily, if at all.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">4. I get this sense that you and your husband still love each other.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">5. From a reading of your written facts: your husband is an un-enlightened person who deals poorly with his life passages. Sadly he lost his family because he was overwhelmed by his "id" and "ego" conflict. It's a measure of dysfunction. Such a person typically styles their life in a "have-their-cake-and-eat-it-too" fashion. Look out! You likely have a good inkling of what I am thinking about on that score. I frankly think that HE NEEDED THE THERAPY more than you, despite his gratuitous advice to the contrary. He suffers a lack of accountability and his reasoning sucks. I think of the children as I write that. Big time! My guess is that he has carried some personal (childhood maybe?) baggage for a while and something has triggered a 'dumping'. What happened, did his hair fall out; see some gray; whatever.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">6. If, after meeting people and dating a bit and living your life for a few years you bumped into your husband on a pleasant afternoon strolling the boulevard; you reunite for a friendly coffee, single and so on; think about it... is he the kind of person... (forgetting about what he has done recently as you likely will in the years to come), is he the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? How would you know one way or the other? Realistically.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Ok? So you may not know right away why I suggest you toss those thoughts around in your mind but go for it. And as for your telling relatives about the situation, as long as you are truthful and avoid being spiteful and don't deliberately use the people around you as instruments in a battle, you are doing the right thing. Your family needs to know what is happening. His reputation, for as long as you are fair and honest, is his exclusive responsibility. He is accountable for his betrayal of wife and family.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">How dare he tell you not to inform your family members. He has no right to badger you like that. You suggest that you "have backed him into a corner". In a pig's eye! You are not to blame. He has made his own mess. Clearly you will need to be quite assertive with this childish adult character as you consider your life and your childrens' needs.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">I trust you have arranged for legal advice? You must build the best support group that you can. Lawyer, doctor, therapist (good for you), family, friends(s) confidant etcetera. Focus on your own needs and those of your children and let your lawyer deal with the family law/financial/legal aspects under your direction. Don't be a pushover. Kickass, per se, in the interest of availing yourself of all that is needed to raise your family as a single mom. You cannot fix your husband. That is a big undertaking and more than any person other than himself is capable of achieving. Think of yourself and be good to yourself. That will pass on to the children.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Please let me know how you are doing.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">best.....</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Micheal J. O'Brien</div> <p> </p> <div class="c38">Dear Kristi:</div> <div class="c38">Sounds like you have a lot on your mind. I agree that geography is the best solution with respect to the other woman; and your anger is to be expected.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Counseling is a very important facet to recovery. And recovery is what you are doing. I would suggest that you both go together for family counseling. If you ask your family doctor to refer you to a qualified Marriage and Family Counselor (MFT) in your area, I am sure he/she will be able to help you.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">This anger that you speak of must be dealt with. Depression is an issue when anger is left unresolved. You need to see someone on your own and try to work through these feelings and regain your self-esteem. Talk to your doctor about this and go quietly to find someone who will co-manage with you the process of resolving some of this anger and turning it into something useful and constructive.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">best of luck and have a great holiday season</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Mike</div> <div class="c38">Well, you know what you know. That's pretty conclusive evidence of a well developed intimacy relationship with someone. Not likely a prostitute but possible (10% possibility).</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">You need to be taking precautions regarding the potential for Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs).</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Before you leap ship it may be worth your while to include in your decision making process whatever information and/or hope that may be obtained by attending (both of you together) Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT). Your family doctor would hopefully be able to refer you to a local MFT. I suggest you discuss these issues with the following persons: Family Doctor; your therapist (if you don't have one, open your mind to thte possibility of doing some personal therapy); your closest traditionl confidant i.e.: mother, sister, friend ...; and whomever you have in your normal circle of friends and family that you can speak to freely and rely upon for sage (or at least sane) advice and who will support you. The objective in this exercise is to build a personal support group to help you through your marriage crisis. You need to deal with issues and not acrimony. Do not discuss your husband in a colorful, hostile and provocative way or you will polarize people in your support group so severely they will not be able to objectively support or provide advice. In other words do not create a husband bashing group, create a support group that offers understanding and support. </div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">If you believe that your husband is in the throes of building an alternative relationship, retain a lawyer. What I mean by this is that if you have any indication either from him or from your own heart that your marriage is about to end, retain a lawyer and get leagal advice from a good family lawyer.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Please let me know how you are doing.</div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div><span class="c13">Good luck.</span> <p> </p> </div> <div class="c38">Hi Kelly:</div> <div class="c38">I think it would be worth your while to set up an appointment with the parole officer he skipped on. Are you able to find out who his PO was? Be opena dn honset about your situation and ask this person what he knows about the subject and what if anything he / she feels you ought to know.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38"><strong>I'll comment on some of your deductions to date:</strong></div> <div class="c38">Breach of parole is a serious offence no matter what the excuse. It is a crime of stupidity or it is a crime committed by a person who has no regard for authority: a sociopath (and many other PDOs) would fall into the latter category.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Sociopaths tend to be very charming and have a knack for saying and doing all the right things to the person they have targeted. They have new third-dimensional bond with any living thing. They see people not in a humanitarian way but as objects to be either used or ignored. Just because a person appears to care does not disqualify them from that label.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">I know nothing about the person you describe but I do know that federal jail time for fraud usually means the offence was fairly heinous or not the first, or both apply. Be careful. Trust is a key element in any relationship. Fraud artists can't completely be trusted. Obviously.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38"><strong>Some further suggestions:</strong></div> <div class="c38">Get his most recent High School yearbook from a family member. Under a ruse, contact some of the people who were his classmates. Make up a story about planning a birthday party or some such thing that might be on the coming calendar of events. Repeat call those persons you think might be helpful. (i.e.: old girlfriends, sports chums hang-around friends etc.). Learn from these people as much as you can about "What was he like then?" Was he a leader? Was he quiet? What were his favourite expressions? What was his favourite hobby, pastime? Was he a good dancer? Did he go to all the school dances? What sports did he play? What school antics trouble did he get into? Did he get lots of detentions?</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">You can piece together a picture of his moral and social fabirc in this way. Moreover, these are the kinds of questions that can draw people out to say anything that may be worthy of note. It may also lead you to developing a contact away from his family unit who can share a lot of knowledge and information.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">You can also anonymously contact previous employers under a ruse and try and get some comments about his performance in the work place.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Call the District Attorney's office where he was prosecuted and see if you can determine who was the ADA who prosecuted him on his original fraud felony. Hopefully that is a women and you can get a sympaththetic and supportive reaction by asking "I am thinking about marrying this person, is there anything you can tell me that I should know?"</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Remember that if a person tells you, "No. I can't help you." Make certain you ask them: "You know what my situation is, can you suggest to me someone who will be able to help me with this?"</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Keep digging and be persistant and if there is something you should know about this guy, someone is bound to tell you eventually.</div> <div> </div> <div class="c38">Bye for now Kelly.</div> <div class="c38">Please let me know how you are making out.</div> <div class="c38">Mike</div> </body>